I Hate You
by Alania Black
Summary: Remus writes a letter to Sirius on the first anniversary of Lily and James' deaths. Mpreg, RLSB slash, angst.


A/N I'm not quite sure what to say about this one. It's really rather depressing, and brings in hints of OCs that you may find a bit strange. I may one day post the fic to which this is the companion, which explains everything a bit more, and takes this from the beginning of their relationship until Harry's Era (although _he_ does not die.).

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and all affiliated characters belong to J. K. Rowling; I am simply borrowing them for my own twisted means. I do own Earyn, and the twists to the plot!

WARNING: Not for the depressionally-minded. Actually, it's probably more for you guys rather than happy-minded people, as it could cause _them_ to cry. Mpreg, angst. Weird Remus emotions and such.

SUMMARY: Remus writes a letter on the first anniversary of Lily and James' deaths. Mpreg, RLSB slash, angst.

Sirius, my Sirius.

How am I to say this? What to say, really?

Should I say that I hate you? I do hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate that your eyes are grey like the clouds of this perpetual winter. I hate that your hair is such a raven black colour, so deep and dark and yet, in my mind's eye, everything about you is faded. I hate how, even in my dreams, you don't call out my name anymore.

I hate, more than everything else, that all I can see, the only real colour on your faded body is the burning black mark on your arm, burning mockingly into my mind, reminding me of everything I lost to that bastard.

I lost James, Lily and Peter, my only friends. I lost little Harry, because you aren't there to help me get custody of him. I lost my little brother and sister. I lost my parents – I lost my entire family Sirius, for Merlin's Sakes! I lost my only child, my little girl, because I'm not allowed custody, so Earyn was taken from me even before you were.

I lost everything, Sirius. Everything! But... but now you just expect me to forgive you? Now you expect me to sit back and tell you that the past year… an entire fucking year, when all I could see was you killing them – because you did that, you killed them – my baby brother screaming and my sister, little Analise, gripping tightly to my mum, even when they're sleeping, and Jon keeps crying for them to wake up. He was only four, how could he know? How could he understand that at seven, Analise had gone to sleep and now she'd never wake up?

I can't help thinking about Harry, and Earyn. Growing up with Muggles. She was given to my second cousin, Robert was told I died, we'd never even met and he doesn't know about magic – he's a dentist, Sirius! How is he going to cope with her when she turns around and tells him she's a witch? How will he – anyone – explain why, on her 16th birthday, she suddenly goes through Werewolf coming of age? And Harry, Lily told us about Petunia, how much she hated magic. You remember what those little shits - Slytherins, your mates now? – did to us in school because we were together, imagine what it would be like _living_ with that? Look at your parents, Sirius. Look at what they did to you. You've put our Godson through that, because of what you did. And your daughter. She'll have to face that, too. She won't even know you, or anything about us. They put the adoption charm on her. Her beautiful raven hair – identical to yours – she was only just growing into it, and they took it. They took every part of us out of her, Sirius. She's not even our daughter now.

But, you want me to move on, past that? You want me to forgive you for everything you did? You want me to believe that you're innocent? That you didn't mean to betray me? Because you did. You betrayed me, Sirius, one way or another. I know you were their Secret Keeper, so you are the only person who could have told Voldemort where to go. So if you are innocent, if you weren't their Secret Keeper, then why didn't I know? You were fucking me when they died Sirius! A thing like this doesn't slip your mind, and it's not like you didn't have a chance to tell me.

I've had a year to think about this. A year of this torment, knowing I was having sex with you while my life was crashing down around me ears. That's where my downfall started, really, isn't it, when I let you take my innocence that day in Sixth Year. I was only 16, but you were so gentle. Sweet, gentle seduction. You made a perfect Death Eater, Sirius.

I hope you know what you did to James, and Lily, Peter; even your Godson and your daughter. You took their families away, and because of you they will grow up never knowing the full truth.

I hope you know what you did to me.

So I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm sorry for what happened to James, Lily, Peter and Harry. I'm sorry for being a Werewolf, and being bound to you. I'm sorry for being unable to protect our daughter.

I'm sorry for falling in love with you. I'm not sorry for the sex, or that I let you take my virginity, it's the way it needed to be, really. I'm certainly not sorry for having your daughter. But I'm sorry for falling in love with you, because I hate you.

I hate you because I still love you.

I hate you because I can't see you betraying them, me, when I see you in my mind. When I see you in my mind, I see the way we were. I see you playing happily with Earyn, knowing that in only a few hours you would be going to him, bowing before him, sleeping with him? I see us, laughing and sitting together in those few weeks before we had sex, you were so sweet and there was this strange sexual tension between us, blushing cutely every time our hands brushed, you were so sweet then, so innocent.

Was it when I was pregnant? Was that when you went to him? Or was it afterwards? They wouldn't let me in to your trial, I don't even know what happened. What did happen, Sirius? Why did you do it? For us? For your daughter? Were you trying to protect us, by turning to him? Or was I boring you? Our daughter? What did we do to you, Sirius, that deserved this?

So no, I won't forgive you. I won't believe you are innocent and I won't ever write to you again, and I certainly won't visit you.

Happy Halloween, Padfoot.

Yours _Eternally_,

Remus J. Lupin.


End file.
